Toilet paper is one of those inventions nobody thinks about—until the second you don’t have it. Then suddenly it becomes the most valuable resource on Earth, more precious than gold, water, or GPU stock during crypto booms. But behind that humble roll sitting next to every toilet is a wild, chaotic history that honestly deserves its own Netflix documentary.
Humans have been trying to clean their asses since the dawn of time—because obviously. The ancient Greeks used stones (yes, actual stones), and the Romans used something called a tersorium, also known as a communal sponge on a stick. Communal. Sponge. On. A. Stick. If that sentence didn’t just ruin your day, you are stronger than most.
In China, paper appeared as early as 100 AD, and by the sixth century it was already being used in bathrooms. Meanwhile, Europe was still raw-dogging nature with leaves, hay, moss, seashells, and—on especially cursed days—corncobs. Yes. Corncobs. No wonder the Renaissance took so long to get going.
“Civilization is best measured not by monuments, but by how gently it treats the human ass.”
In 1857, Joseph Gayetty introduced the first commercial toilet paper in the United States. Marketed as a medical product and infused with aloe, it was framed as a health innovation— because apparently you had to pretend wiping your ass was a clinical procedure to sell anything in the nineteenth century.
The true breakthrough arrived on December 22, 1891, when Seth Wheeler patented the perforated toilet paper roll. His diagrams explicitly show the paper hanging over, effectively ending the over-versus-under debate before it ever should have existed. History has spoken. Science has spoken. If you hang it under, you are defying progress.
By the early twentieth century, toilet paper became softer and safer. In 1930, Northern Tissue proudly advertised its product as “splinter-free,” a phrase that should haunt us forever. During the 1970s oil crisis and again in 2020, toilet paper panic buying proved that humanity will always revert to feral behavior the moment supply chains wobble.
Today, toilet paper is a multibillion-dollar industry offering everything from ultra-luxury softness to the sandpaper rolls found in cheap restaurants that feel like emotional damage. Kings, peasants, CEOs, gamers, and politicians are united by this one universal truth: everyone needs a roll of comfort to keep life moving smoothly.
Toilet paper isn’t just paper. It’s history. It’s culture. It’s survival. And frankly, it deserves more respect than half the people currently in parliament.